This week’s theme focuses on what kind of person our kids want to be on the inside.

Part of the reason many of us parent the way we do and/or homeschool is to minimize the negative influences on our children and foster a greater sense of confidence and connection to their world.  I feel fortunate to be so intimate with such a diverse group of families.  I am aware of just how rare our judgment-free community is which places so much attention on connection and conflict resolution.  With out conflict in such a safe community with such wonderful people, our children would not get to test out their skills and become the people we want them to be… confident, empowered and compassionate.

2:00 pm – Emotions, Empathy & Empowerment Games

The activities and crafts this week have been chosen by Kristen (one of our M&B Moms) to encourage a greater Sense of Self.  Working from the book 300 Self- Esteem games for kids,  by Barbara Sher, a therapist and author with an extensive background in child development, Kristen wanted me to share this quote by Sher.  “Self-esteem games show children that it is OK to be themselves, because the essence of self-esteem is to know and accept who we are just as we are now- not begrudging acceptance, as in ‘This is as good as we can get,’ but a satisfying appreciation, as in ‘This is who we are, this is the unique sound of our notes on the keyboard of humanity.’”

Please come join us for a heart-felt, fun-filled day this Thursday October 20th, as Kristen creates a safe environment for our children to tap into their wide-range of emotions as well as build upon their abilities to express empathy for their playmates.

Kristen will read books about being true to yourself, play self-esteem games, dance to the “feeling” of music and help the kids (and parents) make their own cornhusk friends & family dolls.

She will be exploring:

~ Everyday feelings and reactions

~ Enjoying being unique – like everyone else!

~ Building confidence by getting to know your feelings and senses

~ Knowing strengths and abilities

~ Finding ways to take care of yourself in unsettling situations

**Online Bonus for Parents from the Echo Center of Parenting & Education: Wheel of Awareness exercise by Daniel Siegel world famous author, neurobiologist and psychiatrist.

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First off – YOU ROCK!  Your kids look so loved, so loving and secure in themselves.  I just flipped thru your blog wondering why you might be a target for other people’s baggage. Personally butting up against a majorly racist and homophobic environment for 25 years, I feel compassion for anyone who is making my world better with love.

I grew up in NC and had my first child there (homebirth).  On top of the wealth of small-mindedness interactions I had there, I never once saw anyone breastfeed in public.  So, once a week I would go to the poshest mall and nurse in public and did it whenever/wherever my child was hungry. I felt people needed to see it.  Eventually someone in their life would be doing it (optimistic) and if I was the one they saw first, maybe their loved one or relative wouldn’t receive all their confused feelings because they had the chance to process it the first time by witnessing me.

One time, I even nursed my infant in a boardroom filled with top-level executives like CEO/founder of Bank of America, CEO of Wachovia Bank & the President of Duke Electrical Co.   ALl of which next witnessed me giving a large presentation whilst walking around with a child quietly sleeping in my stylish maya wrap.  These decision makers from the top need to witness business-savvy moms (and dads) performing in tandem with their children.  How else will they fund on-site daycare or sign-off on 0-9 month infant in-office policies?

It took a while for my family of origins to get the normalcy of breastfeeding.  They believe in “flying under the radar,” whereas, I believe in “being the change you want to see in the world.”  Because I was calm and persistent, they eventually processed how natural and healthy it was.  And like I hoped, one day, they were far more relaxed when they witnessed anyone else nursing.  They even make a point to tell me on our cross-country phone calls, if they saw someone nursing in NC.  Progress.

Even if the initial interaction feels confrontational, I believe people are processing information, but on their timetable.  On days where I don’t have the reserves or when my kids are extra-sensitive, I realize that I might not be able to be engaged without being triggered. Or I discuss one topic and don’t let them go down the list of all my AP choices until we really, strongly clash.  And some people just want to vent.  So, I give myself permission to pass on the opportunity to fully engage.

On a base level, AP parenting is blissful, because it affords us the luxury to act, live & breath in accordance to our deepest maternal (or paternal) instincts. But it comes at a price for it is not the group norm in the USA.  And yet, many people’s psyches & bodies are still in conflict over going against their instincts.  Many AP’ers unknowingly become a target for that angst.  I am willing to take some of that on, but only because I know they are working something out.  At those moments of tension I recognize this internally, and BREATH and relax my body (for me as much as for them).  And I pepper the conversation with positive comments about how much they care for their child.  So, I’m actively changing the landscape from debate mode, where it is all positive or negative, to a conversational rhythm by introducing friendship overtures.  On many levels, this can reassure someone that I am not going to attack them.  I also make an effort, to share examples that are always about my kids and not children or families in general.  Otherwise you can leave yourself wide open to their misdirected energy.

Sometimes I have brought that tension to the light and asked calmly, “Is it hard for you to hear about my family’s choices?”  It is amazing to watch the ripple effect of that one sentence.  Some people don’t even know why they are so bothered.  Some check themselves.  And others continue with out even hearing what I said, which tells me it might be wise to disengage.

When their line of questioning turns to, “Aren’t you afraid they won’t …” or, “What about when…,” I commend them for caring so much about my kids.  That is a sure sign that they are projecting concerns they have with other family members or friends they have not attempted to voice with them.  But I am a stranger; and risking my ire is a practice-run for when they approach their sister, cousin or best friend.  If there is venom, that means the logic of AP lifestyles are circulating closer to them then we might realize.  That is a good sign that awareness is looming and emotions are holding them back.

I recently entered a long discussion with someone over family rule my husband instated: that we were not to use sarcastic language in our home. (This was initially a tough one for me, for in my family of origins, well-wielded sarcasm earned me verbally acknowledged esteem). While this relative debated the potential damage of protecting our children in an unrealistic bubble, he proved our point along the way – that sarcasm oftentimes brings out the mean-base nature of many people.  Most of his personal examples from his childhood had caused him and/or others emotional harm.  Through literature and life, my children have (and will) experience sarcasm.  But I am happy to say that our home is a safe place where our children need not be “on guard” mentally and verbally and can trust that their inner-self is accepted and will not be tested.

All of this natural, instinct-driven attachment parenting led my family gently through the gates of homeschooling. When people ask me how long I have been homeschooling, I don’t have a quantitative answer. I simply state that our lives never changed.  We didn’t shift schedules or lifestyles to enter mainstream school.  So we have no start date.

In discussing homeschooling with strangers, I am also careful not to answer ambiguous questions, but help them get to a more specific query.  This also helps me discern how interested they are and can rule out those looking to debate.  A common intro question I often hear is, “What is homeschooling like?” This warrants, “What about it interests you?”  And I always share that it has to work for the entire family.  If it doesn’t, I don’t want to model martyrdom or create unrest as that doesn’t foster a healthy, happy upbringing. This gives people a chance to see I’m not judging them at all.  Regardless if you are devoid of judgement, many will still project that onto you.  You do not need to prove to them you aren’t judgmental, but by using personal experiences, people won’t feel the sting of falling into a generalization.

Discussions like this allow me to re-evaluate if what I am doing is still in line with what is best for my kids, not just my thoughts and needs.  And this ethical disconnect with some, makes me appreciate my like-minded friends and family all the more.  In their audience, I can vent about recent altercations with family, neighbors and even friends.  But more importantly, I can freely relive the bliss of waking up to my sleeping cuddly kids, or share stories of overhearing my 4 year-old tell a playmate how great it will be when “my baby comes out of my vagina,”  or relive recent milestones like when my 7 year-old fell in love with something she read herself.

You are not alone.  I support you and wish you breath and calm in those moments when people don’t allow you the same grace you offer them -  to parent and believe in their ability to rear happy, competent, loving beings who will sooner than later take command of their own lives.  I choose to be provocative in sharing my family’s happiness because I want that for everyone and there is no good reason for me to keep it to myself.

Jessica Deltac

Can we only practice open-ended questions around the clay play?

What happens when kids draw or paint?  Oftentimes, parents, teachers, or elders say – “What is that?”  Due to past experiences for the child, I witness the energy shift and a struggle begin with in the child.  Bodies slump; they take deep, preparing breaths; and sometimes art supplies drop from their hands.  They are pulled out of “being in the art”to fulfill someone else’s need.   Who has witnessed a child’s frustration when a well-intentioned comment about what they have drawn doesn’t match at all to what they were creating.   Have you also ever noticed, that when kids are working in proximity to each other, they OBSERVE each others work, and usually wait for the actual artist/owner to speak about their piece before offering any comments.  Most young kids are intuitively aware that the journey as well as the end product belong to the person who is creating.  Hmmm…

Are our inquiries stifling the creative juices flowing through their hands holding crayons, pencils, or paint brushes?  And why does the art piece have to be something? The stimulation of the process is the main event for these early years: the bumps on the paper, the firmness of the tool in their hands, the way pigment thins as it is smeared across the page. All these “mini-experiments” are impacting their brains along with the smell of the room, the rumble in their belly, and the light casting shadows.   And if the artistic idea they started with isn’t spoken aloud, a child will confidently, freely, let it morph into something else.  Or maybe the magical journey of blurring colors into oblivion or the intense release of rubbing a crayon to a nub becomes so uplifting, the initial image is unwittingly sacrificed.  We parents, waiting in the wings for evidence of burgeoning Picassos, may be coveting that initial image too greatly.  With emphasis on genius, we could be preventing a more natural education of their world from developing.

In my mind, clay is powerful in the World of Art for Children.  It reeks of PLAY, not expectations.  Children (and adults) who mistrust the looming liberty of 2-dimensional art, are willing to give this crazy, squooshy mud a chance.  Even if a child has tightened their expected reign of reality in drawing or painting, a child might explore imaginatively with clay.  And did you know that by working with a piece of clay in your hands and not on a table, helps us readily pull a shape out of the lump instead of attaching pieces to it.  This calls upon more organic deductive reasoning, similar to how we find shapes in clouds.  This is minimizes frustration and maximizes creativity.  Clay can be pinched in here and smoothed over there, allowing their imagination and experiential knowledge to wish the artwork into existence.

To inhibit critique and foster maximum creativity, I am asking everyone (including myself) to practice open-ended inquiries with each other during CLAY play.  (This can be done with drawing and painting as well.)  The idea, is that through active listening to thoughts and ideas, our children will feel that their unique perceptions and ideas are worthy.  But to do this , we have to convince them we will patiently listen to whatever they choose to share.  You can do this with an open-ended question that invites them to share and respectfully await their response.  Not responding isn’t necessarily a cue to repeat the question louder, but a opportunity to witness your child deeply engrossed “in the art.” As you wait, you can just breath and watch or grab your own clump of clay and work beside them.

A good question to start with is, “What is happening now?” This might seem uncomfortable if you don’t often find yourself asking your children for updates.  Adults are used to naming things, identifying and communicating what we see to our kids.  But phrases that encourage more than a single word response, tell the other person “I really want to hear YOUR answer.”  This communicates that we are prepared to wait as long as they need to respond.  Another good line is, “I would love to know how did you do that?” Yes, you probably know how they did it, but we aren’t listening for the specific answer, but opening their gates of creativity.  We are empowering them to feel content with their expression.

Some of  you may recognize that your kid doesn’t have a problem opening up and instead tells you EVERYTHING.  That is great!  Bu there will be a time when this free sharing of thoughts and questions will end. Usually because they think you don’t listen enough or they think they or their peers know more than you do.  And as pre-teens or teens in a world filled with dangerous temptations, you will wish they would tell you everything again.  Honing this skill now, is exactly how you will bridge those years.  Here is your chance to build a foundation that you can both tap into down the road, because they will know the difference between you patiently listening versus just going through the motions.

With follow up question like, “Can you tell me more about it?“ and their delight in sharing freely with you lets you know that you are on the right track.   And then, all of sudden, you are tempted to correct the way they made something.  Don’t point it out.  Instead focus on their body language and how they are feeling.  If they are building an animal ask, “What would it be like to ride a creature like that?“ Help them conjure their feelings or experiences.   Or, “What would it feel like to pet that animal?” Or if it was a place, “What would happen if we traveled there?“ This may bring their attention to a detail they haven’t gotten too before or maybe not.  Paintings and sculpture, hold less internal restrictions if children are tapping into their past experiences and perceptions of how the world works and not by surfing our expectations of what the final product should look like.

If playing with art supplies (or sports) ends up with us feeling empty, misunderstood or lacking, why try anything new?  My goal with this activity is to help M&B kids to feel that their voice and perceptions are appreciated by parents, peers, friends and society.  And as their caregivers, we represent the world who believe that art (and life) is not a world of right and wrong, but can open up wide to respectfully hold many things in between.    And even if the piece of art doesn’t end up fully-realized to match their image in their head, the experience of thinking about it, manipulating it, and sharing can hold positive feelings for us all.

Recipes for two types of reusable play clay.  And 50 questions to spark fun & communication!