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First off – YOU ROCK!  Your kids look so loved, so loving and secure in themselves.  I just flipped thru your blog wondering why you might be a target for other people’s baggage. Personally butting up against a majorly racist and homophobic environment for 25 years, I feel compassion for anyone who is making my world better with love.

I grew up in NC and had my first child there (homebirth).  On top of the wealth of small-mindedness interactions I had there, I never once saw anyone breastfeed in public.  So, once a week I would go to the poshest mall and nurse in public and did it whenever/wherever my child was hungry. I felt people needed to see it.  Eventually someone in their life would be doing it (optimistic) and if I was the one they saw first, maybe their loved one or relative wouldn’t receive all their confused feelings because they had the chance to process it the first time by witnessing me.

One time, I even nursed my infant in a boardroom filled with top-level executives like CEO/founder of Bank of America, CEO of Wachovia Bank & the President of Duke Electrical Co.   ALl of which next witnessed me giving a large presentation whilst walking around with a child quietly sleeping in my stylish maya wrap.  These decision makers from the top need to witness business-savvy moms (and dads) performing in tandem with their children.  How else will they fund on-site daycare or sign-off on 0-9 month infant in-office policies?

It took a while for my family of origins to get the normalcy of breastfeeding.  They believe in “flying under the radar,” whereas, I believe in “being the change you want to see in the world.”  Because I was calm and persistent, they eventually processed how natural and healthy it was.  And like I hoped, one day, they were far more relaxed when they witnessed anyone else nursing.  They even make a point to tell me on our cross-country phone calls, if they saw someone nursing in NC.  Progress.

Even if the initial interaction feels confrontational, I believe people are processing information, but on their timetable.  On days where I don’t have the reserves or when my kids are extra-sensitive, I realize that I might not be able to be engaged without being triggered. Or I discuss one topic and don’t let them go down the list of all my AP choices until we really, strongly clash.  And some people just want to vent.  So, I give myself permission to pass on the opportunity to fully engage.

On a base level, AP parenting is blissful, because it affords us the luxury to act, live & breath in accordance to our deepest maternal (or paternal) instincts. But it comes at a price for it is not the group norm in the USA.  And yet, many people’s psyches & bodies are still in conflict over going against their instincts.  Many AP’ers unknowingly become a target for that angst.  I am willing to take some of that on, but only because I know they are working something out.  At those moments of tension I recognize this internally, and BREATH and relax my body (for me as much as for them).  And I pepper the conversation with positive comments about how much they care for their child.  So, I’m actively changing the landscape from debate mode, where it is all positive or negative, to a conversational rhythm by introducing friendship overtures.  On many levels, this can reassure someone that I am not going to attack them.  I also make an effort, to share examples that are always about my kids and not children or families in general.  Otherwise you can leave yourself wide open to their misdirected energy.

Sometimes I have brought that tension to the light and asked calmly, “Is it hard for you to hear about my family’s choices?”  It is amazing to watch the ripple effect of that one sentence.  Some people don’t even know why they are so bothered.  Some check themselves.  And others continue with out even hearing what I said, which tells me it might be wise to disengage.

When their line of questioning turns to, “Aren’t you afraid they won’t …” or, “What about when…,” I commend them for caring so much about my kids.  That is a sure sign that they are projecting concerns they have with other family members or friends they have not attempted to voice with them.  But I am a stranger; and risking my ire is a practice-run for when they approach their sister, cousin or best friend.  If there is venom, that means the logic of AP lifestyles are circulating closer to them then we might realize.  That is a good sign that awareness is looming and emotions are holding them back.

I recently entered a long discussion with someone over family rule my husband instated: that we were not to use sarcastic language in our home. (This was initially a tough one for me, for in my family of origins, well-wielded sarcasm earned me verbally acknowledged esteem). While this relative debated the potential damage of protecting our children in an unrealistic bubble, he proved our point along the way – that sarcasm oftentimes brings out the mean-base nature of many people.  Most of his personal examples from his childhood had caused him and/or others emotional harm.  Through literature and life, my children have (and will) experience sarcasm.  But I am happy to say that our home is a safe place where our children need not be “on guard” mentally and verbally and can trust that their inner-self is accepted and will not be tested.

All of this natural, instinct-driven attachment parenting led my family gently through the gates of homeschooling. When people ask me how long I have been homeschooling, I don’t have a quantitative answer. I simply state that our lives never changed.  We didn’t shift schedules or lifestyles to enter mainstream school.  So we have no start date.

In discussing homeschooling with strangers, I am also careful not to answer ambiguous questions, but help them get to a more specific query.  This also helps me discern how interested they are and can rule out those looking to debate.  A common intro question I often hear is, “What is homeschooling like?” This warrants, “What about it interests you?”  And I always share that it has to work for the entire family.  If it doesn’t, I don’t want to model martyrdom or create unrest as that doesn’t foster a healthy, happy upbringing. This gives people a chance to see I’m not judging them at all.  Regardless if you are devoid of judgement, many will still project that onto you.  You do not need to prove to them you aren’t judgmental, but by using personal experiences, people won’t feel the sting of falling into a generalization.

Discussions like this allow me to re-evaluate if what I am doing is still in line with what is best for my kids, not just my thoughts and needs.  And this ethical disconnect with some, makes me appreciate my like-minded friends and family all the more.  In their audience, I can vent about recent altercations with family, neighbors and even friends.  But more importantly, I can freely relive the bliss of waking up to my sleeping cuddly kids, or share stories of overhearing my 4 year-old tell a playmate how great it will be when “my baby comes out of my vagina,”  or relive recent milestones like when my 7 year-old fell in love with something she read herself.

You are not alone.  I support you and wish you breath and calm in those moments when people don’t allow you the same grace you offer them -  to parent and believe in their ability to rear happy, competent, loving beings who will sooner than later take command of their own lives.  I choose to be provocative in sharing my family’s happiness because I want that for everyone and there is no good reason for me to keep it to myself.

Jessica Deltac