Regardless of all the selfless acts of providing care, love and attention to our children, a child can still feel that they are invisible in your eyes. And most of the time they don’t just come out and share those sentiments with words. Their perception adds to the growing malaise of “blahs” that floats like a thick cloud over their mercurial bodies. As if we parents don’t already have enough to think about, combating this “silent evil” takes time and thought.
My solution for the time being, (if you have others, please do share), is ensuring each child gets solo time with one parent. Actually every person in your family should get one-on-one time with each other. Because in the process of changing the group dynamic, other people in the family will more than likely find their own unique ways of interacting. I know this is a bit more tricky with larger families, but it is so worth it. It can even be taking only one child to the grocery store. It’s about the focus on them during the outing that makes all the difference. And one-on-one time can also act as a preventative salve, like storing up good feelings that might neutralize an upcoming busy schedule where everything and everyone might get lost in the shuffle. (uh, like this upcoming holiday season for example)
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- Statue Posing at the Norton Simon Museum
Getting creative with your special time is the tricky part. It is easy enough to go on a shopping spree catered to the loved one, but that doesn’t always foster “talk time.” And it sets up a materialistic precedent my husband and I are always working to minimize. Instead, I look for activities that have points of interest for both of us that foster communication and not over-stimulation. These outings are a framework that provides moments where we are asking questions, learning about likes and dislikes, and feeling safe enough to find out if anything big or new has occurred or is about to. The further ahead that you set this personal date on the calendar, the greater their anticipation and sense of being special. They might act ambivalent on the outside, but inside they will feel the love. I must point out, that you deflate the whole purpose if you bail on the date with out a concrete raincheck. Otherwise you are teaching them that they are indeed not special and life is a string of disappointments. Your actions are what get the ball rolling here, not words.
- Painting with Verve @ Kidspace. This unique leaf easel has a waterfall to wash the paint. Impermanence is a Wondrous thing!
A few weeks prior, I had put a date on the calendar with my 5 year old to go to Kidspace Museum in Pasadena (next door to the Rose Bowl) to take part in a candle making workshop. We had just made candles at our parkday by rolling up beeswax sheets around a wick, so dipping candles seemed like a great way to continue the candle fun. Upon arriving, we found out that the first workshop was full, so after we signed up for the one in the afternoon we left the museum in search of a restaurant of her choosing.
Her pick was Subway but I made it more special by getting smoothies next door to go with our sandwiches. “Why do you like strawberry banana smoothies? What’s your favorite fruit and why? What fruit do you think you are like? What fruit do you think I am like? If you could make your own sandwich and name it, regardless if it tasted good or not, what would you put in it?”
Keep the interference to a minimum. Don’t react to your phone. That’s what voicemail is for. Don’t look at your watch. Look at them. Find things on their face or in their speech you’ve not yet noticed. Find things you like about them now, not things you want for them later, or things you want to help them with. This is time to revel in the moment. Remember they won’t be this young forever.
Use your straws to blow pieces of a balled up napkin back and forth between the two of you like a soccer field. Tell an embarrassing story about when you were young. Kids are addicted to such stories. It makes both you and your child remember that you weren’t always so old and in control. As our meal was coming to an end, I dared ask my daughter if there was something that I had ever said to her that she didn’t like. This kind of sharing is amazing. Sometimes hard to handle. But it is insight into how your child thinks, reacts and feels. I have to work really hard not to defend my actions or make excuses for how I’ve wounded her. Instead I listen attentively until she is done. And say something like, “I am sorry. I see how that wouldn’t feel good.” And then it’s done. More often kids don’t need a long drawn out discussion to move forward. They just do it.
After lunch we detoured to the Norton Simon Museum which has the creme de la creme of 19th century European art including an amazing collection of Rodin and Degas sculptures. And unlike some stuffy museums, a lot of the large sculptures are outdoors with art gardens in both the front and back. 
Out front, we posed as Rodin’s Burghers of Calais and guessed which one we were impersonating. Then we tried to mimic just the faces and guess what was the prevailing emotion. I asked if she was interested to know of the story behind this sculpture of 6 forlorn men which took place at the end of the 100years war. I spun a good tale for her, but the short version is that these were the most powerful men of the French city of Calais who could save their people from starvation and their city from destruction if they walked out of the their city walls half naked with nooses about their necks in order to sacrifice themselves…which they did. It almost sounds like a mythological story, but it indeed did happen. About 400 years later, Rodin was requested to immortalize the gift these men honorably gave of themselves. Incidentally, the men were only imprisoned for a short period, and actually pardoned due to the persuasion of the pregnant Queen of England at the time, who did not wish her unborn child to have blood on his hands. Notice how your child is reacting emotionally to this story. Pause for questions or ask, “is there something about this story you are wondering about?” This is how our children learn you are a safe person to share uncomfortable thoughts. Do you listen or do you hear? Do you discount or do you validate their thoughts and ideas?
A hive of bees let us see bees at work making honey and especially wax, what is in our candles!
On our way out of the museum we held another round of “Statue Posing” in the room filled with smaller Rodins and Degas sculptures. Statue Posing is my favorite museum game as it incites one to look much closer at a sculpture for information on how to pose our bodies and faces like the figures. This is a great way for little kids to learn the nuances between sad, glad, mad and happy. If you have a digital camera or a mirror, it will help a child see what the emotions their own faces are wearing.
We returned to Kidspace in time to dip candles with other fun children. 
Kidspace is a great interactive museum that is equipped with both indoor and outdoor fun for all ages. The people who work there are wonderful, for they empower the kids instead of warning them. They host family activities, musical acts and a slew of great workshops.
After a fair bit more romping about Kidspace: climbing the leaf rope towers, making a bead and pipe cleaner bracelet, seeing live bugs (scorpions) glow in ultraviolet light, recreate monsoons, and ride on kinetic tricycles, we felt we were up for one last peek at the Norton Simon Museum. In the brief ride , I asked, “what was the most fun at Kidspace and why?” And, ” if you could have one thing from Kidspace installed in our home or yard, what would it be?” Reflecting on fun makes it last longer. Sometimes in our world of stimulating events and instant gratification, the good times are eclipsed as soon as you are out the door. By taking turns asking the above questions and giving every person the time to answer it at their own pace, parents can foster a greater awareness and appreciation of what was experienced.
Dipping her candle from red to purple to blue. Not how a colorwheel would work. It took a long time, affording appreciation of the Pioneers who lit up their own nights.
The second visit to Norton Simon Museum took us down to the recent exhibit – Divine Demons, as small collection of Tibetan artifacts (3rd blog with Tibet involved Jessica…hmmm). We looked for animals in the sculptures and Thangkas (paintings of deities on cloth). After that, it was up to her to lead me through the museum at her pace and liking. She picked her favorite artwork in each room, one of which was an etching by Picasso. Why do you like this one…”the cheeks of the girl are really round, I want to pinch them.” Whose hand is she holding? “It’s too small to be a little sister, it must be a doll. But they have the same cheeks.” And lucky for us, there was a photo portrait of Picasso in the next room, so she could see the image of the man who made alot of the abstract artwork. (The National Gallery of Art has a great interactive website for kids to learn more about different art forms.)
Making a corner her own in the Museum Giftshop
A Masterpiece - My Firstborn
Then she led us to the Museum giftshop where she found a large number of books to read in her corner. I was impressed with their selection as well and took home a few children’s books: Indian tales, Pilgrims illustrated by NC Wyeth, and the Nightengale by Hans Christian Anderson (who just last week we learned about at the museum dedicated to him in Solvang). As the sun was getting low, we scurried out to the back garden to lollygag and compare our bodies to the sculptures that patiently awaited our commentary. We discussed if there were anymore stops to make before going home… “ICECREAM!” Why not?
The ride home was filled with a few more exchanges about our day, but quickly turned to those we had left behind six hours ago. It was a wonderful date and could only be described as successful given the smile that beamed at me from the back seat. And if I had any doubts, the comment she made getting out of the van blew me out of the water , “I love it when it’s just the two of us, even though I miss Dad and Esme, I still feel tingly from just you and me.”
Wow, what an inspired entry. Thank you for sharing your experiences and creativity. I long for such moments with my son and will be actively pursuing them!